I heard we made out
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
