Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I just gargled with NyQuil
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
