paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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