ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
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