put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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