Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
