So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
