Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
