I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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