I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
You've changed since you got that strap on
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
