Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
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