I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Pants are for mortals
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
