we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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