You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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