Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Randomize
