Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
