I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
