Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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