Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
