I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Randomize
