as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Randomize
