How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Randomize
