He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
