the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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