The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
