He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize
