if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
