Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
