Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
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