Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
