just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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