My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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