There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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