New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
He has the fingertips of a God
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
