I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
