i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
