I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
