Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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