She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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