Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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