Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
