Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
