So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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