I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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