hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Randomize
