I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
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