please come you make the beer taste better
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
