Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
