I think I just saw someone hide a body.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
the liver wants what the liver wants
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Randomize
