Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
