my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
