i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
