We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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