I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
